If I could, then I would..

By Kestral

Chapter 1: The Beginning Of The End

"It's time to wake up, Ryan."
I heard the words as if my head was underwater. I knew someone was calling me, but they seemed so very far away, as if at the other end of a long tunnel. This tunnel, was like a fast flowing river, as I fought to battle against the current, struggling and floundering to reach the end, and the voice. As if they were filled with lead, I forced my eyelids open, to gaze up at my mother, the face of the voice that had dragged me from the murky depths of my own subconsciousness.
My mother's face was aglow with warmth, joy and relief dancing in her deep grey-blue eyes, as well as the merest hint of sadness. I tried to speak, but the sound died in my throat, long before it could reach my lips. I felt my mother's loving hands brush my cheek, then stray to stroke tenderly through my tousled brown hair, the same colour as her own.
I ventured to speak again, and this time, I felt the words released in a strangled voice that didn't sound like my own/
"Mum," I croaked feebly. "Where am I? What's happened?"
I saw the smile and sparkle die away in her eyes, though she forced her lips to remain, though she knew I could tell their smile was fake.
"You had an accident, honey," she whispered, still running her fingers through my hair. "Don't you remember?"
I tried to shake my head. I didn't remember. But I found I couldn't. I suddenly noticed the rigid plastic and brown foam clamped firmly around my neck.
"Lay still, sweetie," hushed my mother.
I felt a creeping sense of unease and panic rise in my throat.
"Mum," I repeated, but more urgently. "What happened? Why am I wearing this?"
And then the tears my mother had so desperately sought to swallow came. They ran down her pale cheeks in tiny, glistening rivulets.
"You fell, Ryan. From the old oak tree. I heard you scream from the kitchen, and I ran out to find you lying there. I thought, I thought you were...." she trailed off as the sobs overcame her.
My mind raced. I couldn't remember being up in the oak tree, or falling. I couldn't remember anything about today.
"You were out cold," she continued, dabbing her eyes with a scrap of tissue. Her black mascara was smeared across her eyelids, a trickle running down her face. "I called the ambulance and they rushed you here."
I hated to see her so distraught, so I attempted to sit up, with the intention of giving her a hug. To try and make things better. But I couldn't. Alarm bells rang wildly inside my head. I'd been so groggy, so disorientated, that I hadn't noticed. Below my waist, I could feel absolutely nothing.
"Mum," I bleated desperately. "What's wrong with my legs?"
I'll never forget the look in my mother's eyes as she answered that question. It was a look I would come to recognise all too well. They were filled with nothing but abject pity.
"You damaged your spine in the fall, Ryan," she answered heavily, as if she did not truly believe what she was saying. "You're paralysed."
"But," I stuttered, grasping for something, some hope to cling on to. A lifeline. "It'll wear off, won't it? When I get better."
My mother closed her delicate hands around mine, pressing their warmth against my cold, clammy skin.
"Honey, the damage was really, really rather bad. The doctors, they, they don't think you'll ever be able to walk again."
And then she broke down completely, her body wracked with gasping sobs. She cradled my head in her lap, all the while her deft fingers playing through my messy, damp hair. Bending down, she placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I couldn't even cry like she could. I felt as if I'd been plunged back into that river, and that this time, there was no way out.
The bed shifted and creaked as my mother stood, smoothing the creamy fabric of her shift dress.
"Get some sleep, Ryan," she said gently. "I'm just going to meet your father. He's bringing David and Sorrel. I'll be back as soon as I can."
I didn't answer. I didn't trust myself to try and speak, for I felt that if I opened my mouth, I would just scream and never stop. I lay and watched my mother leave and hurry off down the corridor.

So here I am, Ryan Andrew Masters, nearly 16 years old, and paralysed from the waist down. Even writing it down in this diary doesn't make it seem real. I keep thinking that any minute now I'll roll over and wake up, and that this whole thing will have been just a dream. But it's not. It's real.
I've been trying not to think about it too much, to not let the full truth in. But I know I'll have to someday.
What sort of life am I going to have from now on? Dad had his big dream that I would go into the army, just like him and David. There's no chance of that, not now. What would they do, carry me around the assault course? The army don't take cripples like me.

Mum was true to her word. She returned a few minutes later, with Dad, David and Sorrel. For a moment, as my family arranged themselves around my bed, there was an uneasy silence, that seemed to hang, heavy in the air, like a cloud of smoke. David, my older brother spoke first.
"How you feeling then, bro?" he'd asked, trying to sound cheerful and natural.
I just wanted to tell him where to shove it, but under my father's eye, I held my tongue.

I've never been good enough for my dad, the top soldier and army technician or whatever he's meant to be. Anything new and complicated, whether it be aircraft, vehicle or weaponry, if it belongs to the army, you can bet my father designed it.
David is the perfect son he wanted. He inherited the Andrew Masters athletic frame, the blonde hair, big green eyes and charming smile. I got none of that and as such, when he thinks I can't hear him talking to mum, he'll refer to me as, 'your son.'
And now, I'm lying here as good as useless, what must he think of me now? Perhaps he'll take me out and shoot me with some new gun he's just developed, like he did last year with our old retriever dog, Gus.

Sorrel was her usual sweet self. My little six year old sister, after looking me over for a moment, clambered up onto the bed and gave me a cuddle. Her long, pale golden blonde hair escaping from its braid, she gave me a big wet kiss on the cheek.
"S'Ok Ryee," she said, still using the silly name she used for me when she'd just learned to talk, and couldn't say Ryan. "You'll get all better."
I wished it was as easy as Sorrel made it seem, but deep down, I realised that I could do all the physio they could throw at me, be a model patient, and yet still be no better.
"When can I go home?" I asked, my voice clearer. "I don't want to stay here."
My mother, Judith, shook her head.
"I don't know, darling," she answered. "We'll have to wait and see what the doctor says."
Sorrel ruffled her fingers through my hair and playfully prodded my nose.
"Ryee gonna come home soon," she announced proudly. "All better."
My father moved forward.
"I think it's time you went home to bed little lady," he said, lifting Sorrel up.
"No!" she protested stubbornly, wriggling and squirming like a fish out of water. "Don't wanna go! Wanna stay an make Ryee all better!"
I smiled up at my sister.
"I'm going to beddy-byes now too, Baby," I said. "You go home with Daddy and you can come back tomorrow and be my special nurse."
The little girl's face brightened at once.
"Ok," she said simply, stopping her wriggling. "Night nights, Ryee."
"Night nights, Baby."
And with that she allowed my father to carry her out of the room. He never even looked back, let alone said goodbye. I turned to David.
"Why are you still here?" I asked pointedly.
"Ryan," chided my mother.
David rolled his eyes at me.
"If that's the way you want it," he said roughly. "Then fine. I'm gone."
I watched him kiss my mother goodbye and then leave, glancing back at me with an angry glare.
My mother sat down heavily on the black plastic chair beside my bed. She looked exhausted.
"Get some sleep," I said imploringly.
She yawned.
"But I have to look after you, sweetheart," she reasoned.
I looked up at her, concerned.
"Mum," I began solemnly. "I'm going to sleep now, just like I told Baby. You don't have to watch me sleep."
She rubbed her eyes and brushed a stray strand of her wavy tresses behind her ear.
"Ok, honey," she relented, too tired to offer any real resistance. "If you need anything, wake me up."
I nodded, then watched as her eyelids grew heavy and sleep embraced her. I followed the slow rise and fall of her breathing, until I was certain that she was fast asleep.

And then, I began to cry. I wept for everything that had happened today. For my mother and for Baby, for the futility of the relationship between my father and I. But most of all, I wept for myself, and the partial, incomplete creature I had become, until I had nothing left. Nothing.

Chapter 2: You've Got A Friend

"So how are you feeling today, Ryan?" the doctor asked in her sickeningly patronizing, chirpy voice. I looked at her blankly.
"I'm feeling just fine today, Doc," I answered, in a mocking impersonation of her. "Oh, except for below my waist," I added bluntly, sarcastically. "In which case I am feeling absolutely nothing."
The doctor, her short auburn hair swept back into a stumpy ponytail, sighed heavily.
"I'll leave you to it, Ryan," she muttered flatly, turning and leaving.
"Stupid woman!" I spat.

A month after I woke up to find myself paralysed, and I'm still in hospital. But at least I'm up and about, well, if you can call it that. I'm now sitting in a rickety old black and silver hospital wheelchair, though I still haven't got the hang of it.
Pushing the wheels myself is a massive effort. I've been forced to wear these tough, fingerless gloves. The first day of being in the chair, my hands were rubbed raw, until they bled and blistered. The pain, combined with this wheelchair's tendency to handle like a three-wheeled shopping trolley, makes even crossing the room a military operation.
But today, there's something to be a little happy about. I'm going home. My mother has persuaded the doctors I will recover far better at home. She insisted that the nurses show her all the physio I'm going to need. After about an hour, they were convinced that she can do everything as well as they can, and have allowed me to be discharged today. All I have to do now, is wait to be collected.

I could hear footsteps coming down the corridor, and the voice of one of the nurses, above the rhythmic clink of metal.
"Your parents will be here in about an hour, Jason," the nurse said briskly, before I heard her leave.
I turned my head slightly. I'd positioned the wheelchair up by the big bay window, where I could see the cars going in and out of the car park. I was aware of someone else in the room.
"You going home today, too?" asked a male voice.
With considerable effort, and the odd swear word, I manoeuvred the chair around to face the voice. It's owner was a boy of about my age. He was quite a bit taller than myself, nearing 6ft, and much more tanned. He had a cheerful smile daubed on his face and bright hazel eyes. His hair, at a guess, was naturally a fairly darkish brown, but was dyed a vibrant shade of platinum blonde.
It was obvious why he was in hospital. As my eyes moved down to see that he was on crutches, his left leg swathed in plaster from mid-thigh to toe.
"Rugby injury," he said, nodding at his leg. "The other team had two players the size of bulldozers who decided to take me out at the exact same time. They both landed on my leg. Man, you should have heard the crunch!" he laughed as he remembered. "Broke it clean in two. Bone's pinned back together now."
I screwed up my nose.
"Ouch!"
He nodded vigorously.
"You bet!" he exclaimed. "I nearly told them to just cut it off! So, how'd you..." he stopped abruptly, unsure.
"I fell from a tree," I said simply. "So what's your name?"
"Oh," he said, hopping forward. "My names Jason. Jason Sanderson. But everyone calls me Jay. You?"
"Ryan Masters," I replied.
"And what do people usually call you?" asked Jay.
I furrowed my brow.
"They call me, Ryan, I guess. Just Ryan." I wasn't about to admit to answering to Ryee! "You can't really shorten Ryan."
Jay mulled this over.
"No," he agreed. "I guess not."
"So where do you live?" I asked, continuing the conversation. "Nearby?"
Jay nodded.
"We just moved here, to Blue River, I mean. I was meant to be starting at Lakeland High today, well, before this happened anyway!"
"Well that's one way to make an entrance," I remarked smiling. "I go there, to Lakeland."
"Cool," said Jay. "Hopefully I'll see you there."
I nodded, then saw my mother appear in the doorway.
"You ready?" she asked, smiling briefly at Jay.
"Yeah," I answered, pushing myself towards the door. It hurt like hell.
"See you around, Ryan," Jay called after me.
"Sure thing," I said over my shoulder, before pushing on down the corridor.

It annoyed me immensely that the minute I got to the end of the corridor, Mum was trying to push the chair. I tried to deter her, but she was adamant, and to be honest, I was exhausted.
It makes me feel so pathetic, to sit there, helpless, while my mother pushes me along like a baby in a pram. I feel defeated and demeaned. At almost 16, from being just a normal, healthy guy, I'm now a feeble cripple, resigned to being molly-coddled and fawned over like a newborn child. I hate it. I feel like a burden on mum. As a little kid, she's done everything for me, and now, sixteen years down the road, when she should be watching me build my own future, she's got to take care of me all over again.
The minute I got home, it hit me just how different things are going to be from now on. I had to be lifted up the doorstep, Dad muttering something about putting in a ramp, and then carried all the way up the staircase into my room. As soon as I got there, and managed to shoo mum out the door I lost it. All I can think of to take my anger out on are my legs. I hammered my legs with my clenched fists and raked the skin on my shins with my nails, ripping till I bled. But it doesn't hurt. Not one bit.
When I could do no more, I slumped exhausted in the wheelchair, having not achieved my aim. I want to punish my legs for failing me, for letting me down. But though I can look down and see the crimson blood trickling down my shins, and glimpse the faint impressions of bruises forming, I doesn't hurt. They haven't been punished at all, not really.
Twisting my wheelchair around, I came to face the small square mirror perched on my desk. I peered tentatively into it, then pulled back. I can't look. Blindly, I flung out my arm, and felt it connect with the glass, sweeping it across the desk and sending it crashing to the floor. As it hit, the glass shattered and splintered into a thousand pieces. I'm glad. Seven years bad luck isn't going to be any worse than this lifetime of misery I'm sentenced to. I just can't look in the mirror and see myself this way. But I also, can't bear to be reminded of what I once was. On the shelves beside my bed, are rows of framed photos, charting my life before. My first day at school, me as a page boy at my uncle's wedding, my first bike. It was all there, frozen in time. But I can't look at them. So I threw them all to the floor and smashed them. Every last one.

Chapter 3: Where Do We Go From Here?

It was strange waking up in my own bed this morning. At first, as I brushed the last traces of sleep from my eyes, I struggled to remember where I am, no longer cooped up in hospital, but home.
I managed, after some considerable flapping and heaving, to pull myself into a sitting position. Then, I realised. My chair was folded up, and leaning against the wall opposite my bed. How was I going to reach it? Twisting myself around, I somehow made it so that my legs were dangling, limp and lifeless, over the side of the bed. Maybe, I reasoned, I can lower myself down and then pull myself across the floor. Undignified, yes, but there was no one to see it, and it meant I wouldn't have to call for help. At least I might have a little bit of independence.
But I learnt the hard way, that my arms just aren't strong enough yet. As I pushed myself forward, I felt the edge of the bed reach the top of my thighs and then cried out, as my arms slipped and I toppled to the floor with a loud thud. I just lay there, in a crumpled, crippled heap, before mum came running in.

"Ryan!" she shrieked, as she saw me. "Ryan, what happened?"
I raised my head awkwardly.
"I tried to..." I croaked weakly.
Everything hurt. My arms ached and my head throbbed wildly. I heard the sound of footsteps padding across the landing and saw my father appear, looming in the doorway.
"What the hell is going on here?" he barked, his green eyes flashing angrily.
My mother was crouched down beside me.
"Just a little accident," she twittered anxiously. "But we're fine now."
My father scowled down at me.
"Doesn't look like it to me," he growled. "What on earth did you think you were doing you stupid boy?"
I groped about for an explanation, something to say, but the words escaped me.
"I....I..."
My father swooped down on me, like a hawk, as I floundered under his fierce gaze.
"Now you listen here, boy!" he roared, a vein in his neck pulsing madly, his face black as thunder. "I've been up half the bl0ody night fixing this house to make your easier. But if you're just going to pretend like nothing's happened and try to do things you know you can't, don't expect me to come to your blo0dy funeral!"
"Andrew, please!" sobbed my mother. "He didn't mean to..."
"Judy, stay out of this!" my father snapped, standing over us, like a tiger that knows it has its prey cornered. "He's practically sixteen years old, he's not a kid anymore. After everything those doctors have told him. After all you and I have told him. He just goes and takes no notice whatsoever!"
Tears prickled at the back of my eyes, and I fought desperately to keep them from falling. I knew, if he saw me cry, my father would seize upon it as a sign of even greater weakness.
"But Andrew!" my mother wailed, clinging to me.
"But nothing!" he sneered, then bent down low, his face so close to mine, I could feel his hot breath searing against my cheek. His eyes bored into me, staring me out cold, until the floodgates were flung open, and my father watched with satisfaction as I wept.
"Let this be a lesson to you, boy," he snarled, his voice a harsh, almost inaudible whisper. "You mess up one more time, and I will see to it that you don't have a home to come back to, if you ever leave that hospital again, that is. Understood?"
I gulped and gasped for air, but managed to nod my head, though it still spun.
"Good."
And with that, he marched out of the room, and stomped down the stairs. I heard the back door slam on his way out.
My mother was trembling all over, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I tugged gently at the sleeve of her jumper.
"It's ok, Mum," I sniffed, brushing away the damp of my tears.
My mother nodded, still shaking and trying to rein in her emotions. David entered the room, on my father's instruction no doubt. Wordlessly, he and my mother lifted me from the floor and sat me back down on the bed.
"Stay there, sweetie," Mum told me. "I'll fetch you up some breakfast."
"Thank you," I said softly.
She smiled at me through the doorway, then bustled off to the kitchen. David just looked at me. He made to leave, but looked at me over his shoulder.
"You're lucky," he said slowly, his green eyes solemn. "That he didn't kill you."
I watched him go.
"Maybe," I said grimly. "Maybe I'll save him the trouble.

Killing yourself is something most people never really contemplate. They never even give it a second thought, until the stories flash up on the nine o'clock news of people jumping off cliffs or hanging themselves. I'd always found it sad to read in the newspapers of the girl bullied so badly, she chose to hang herself in her bedroom. Or the upper class businessman, so under pressure, that he threw himself off a bridge, in order to escape. But at the back of my mind, there has always been a sense of admiration, for their courage. I've always believed that to kill yourself, you either have to be incredibly desperate, or extremely brave, and sometimes, just very unlucky. I've heard tales of people laying on railway lines, waiting to die, then, at the last minute, changing their mind, only for it to be too late.
That outburst from my father has made me think. Wouldn't everyone, Mum, Baby, be better off without me? I've found myself almost wishing that I'd died that day in the fall, so that both they and I could have been spared this mess.
But maybe, I can spare them any more of this nightmare. If I kill myself, then I'll be free, and so will they. It makes sense. My father won't care, nor David. Baby will, but she's only little, she'll soon forget me when she grows up. Mum, well, Mum will be devastated, but she has Baby and David, two perfect, healthy children. She'll be ok.
The only thing I have to decided, is how do I do it? Well, let's put it this way. Jumping off anything is a no go. Hanging is a possibility, as is cutting myself.
I leant to my right, and opened the draw in my little bedside table. Reaching in, my fingers closed around what I was looking for; a sharp pair of scissors.
Parting the blades, I raised the implement an inch or so, hovering above my left wrist. My hand trembled, and I lowered the point towards my smooth, pale skin. And then I knew. I knew I couldn't do it. Though I wanted, or thought I wanted to end everything, as I tried to bring the blade down to slash the vein, every cell in my body screamed at me to stop. Try as I might, I couldn't force my muscles to move. My hand wavered, then jerked, as in anger, I hurled the scissors across the room. The point of one blade embedded itself in the chest of drawers, then clattered to the floor. Then Mum returned, carrying a tray laden with a steaming hot cup of tea and some toast.

"Here you are, sweetheart," she said tenderly, placing the tray down on the bedside table. "How are you feeling now?"
I looked up into her deep grey eyes. How could I even have thought about leaving her?
"Fine, Mum," I replied. "Just fine."
She beamed back at me.
"Fine enough for a visitor this afternoon?"
I raised an eyebrow. Who would want to visit me? After all, I'm not the most popular guy in school, not by a long shot.
"Who?" I asked, curious.
Mum sat down on the end of the bed.
"Well, you know the nurse that's going to visit every now and again, just to talk things over and see how you are in between hospital appointments?"
I nodded.
"Yeah, Alison Sanderson, isn't it?" I added.
"Yes. She's coming over this afternoon," Mum continued. "But you met her son at the hospital, you remember?"
I thought for a moment.
"You mean Jason, the guy with the broken leg?"
"That's the one. He wanted to come with her to see you."
"Cool."
Mum got up smiling.
"I'm glad," she said. "It'll do you good."
Sorrel wandered in, and tugged at my mother's skirt.
"Hey, Baby!" I said happily.
Sorrel, or Baby as we call her, reached up on her tip toes and gave me a cuddle. She looked so sweet, in her little denim dress with its big pink butterfly.
"Ryee do my hair instead, Mommy?" she asked, wide-eyed.
Mum chuckled and looked at me.
"Be my guest!" she laughed. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."
Sorrel presented me with her pink Barbie hairbrush and a blue hair scrunchie. She hopped up onto the bed and sat on my lap. Gently, I ran the brush through the soft tangle of her hair, until it hung smooth, almost to her elbows. I took the band from her, pulling her golden locks back into a ponytail and tying it loosly.
Sorrel turned to sit facing me, her young face a picture of innocence.
"Thank you, Ryee!" she said, then put her tiny fingers to my own hair, matted and tangled brown.
"Me do yours now?" she asked expectantly.
I laughed.
"Go on then!"

Those few precious moments with her confirmed my decision. I can't leave her and I can't leave Mum, however much I hate the way things are. I've got to learn to live again. I'm going to. Starting from today.

Sorrel stood on the bed, ridding the last of the knots from my hair.
"All done!" she proclaimed, pleased with herself. "All pretty."
She kissed me on the cheek.
"Ryee?" she said, putting her slender arms around my neck.
"Yeah?"
"Love you."
I turned my head to look at her, this tiny little creature, with the most beautiful heart and the smile of an angel. I kissed her forehead gently.
"Baby?" I said.
"Yeah."
"Love you, too."

Chapter 4: What's In A Name?

"Come in, come in," I heard Mum say at the door. "This way."
I listened to the murmur of voices, sound of footsteps and the easily recognisable noise of Jay's crutches. Then, I watched, as one by one four people, followed by my mother, entered the living room. I knew Jay of course, he eased himself onto the sofa beside where I'd positioned my wheelchair. Alison Sanderson, sat next to my mother. Jay was just like her, with the same smiling hazel eyes, and dark brown hair, well, if Jay's wasn't dyed that is.
Two younger children, a boy and a girl, placed themselves next to Jay on the three-piece. The boy, about thirteen or so, had his hair dyed the same shade of blonde as Jay's, but he was of paler skin, his features more pointed and elfin, and his eyes blue. The girl was similar in appearance, the same age as Baby, I guessed, with curly shoulder-length mousy brown hair.
"You already know Jay," said Alison, indicating her eldest son. "And these are two of my other children."
She smiled proudly.
"This is Devon," she nodded to the boy, who rolled his eyes at the sound of his name. "And the little girl is Katherine, Katie for short. My other daughter, Rinna's out with my husband."
My mother went out to the kitchen and returned with a tray of drinks and a plate of biscuits. Sorrel followed at her heel and happily plopped herself down at my feet, gazing up and the three new in children in wonder. Alison picked up a mug of coffee and took a sip.
"So how are you doing, Ryan?" she asked kindly.
I shrugged.
"Ok, I guess," I mumbled. "As can be expected."
"We're managing," my mother swept in breezily. "The physio's going great."
"Ryee gonna get all better!" Sorrel said loudly, standing up and taking a hold of my hand. "Aren't you, Ryee?"
I felt my cheeks glow scarlet, and saw Devon stifle a laugh. Even Jay was trying not to grin.
"Well on that subject," Alison said, distracting from my embarrassment. "I have something that may well help. Some 'extra' physiotherapy if you like."
I looked at her, curious, but also grateful for her change of subject. I couldn't blame Baby, she doesn't know any different.
"Yeah?"
Alison reached into her large leather handbag and pulled out a leaflet. She walked over and deposited it in my lap. On the front, in large black type, were the words: 'Riding for the Disabled."

It took every last ounce of composure and control I possess not to throw it straight back in her face and storm out of the room. God knows how, by somehow, I managed to keep my cool. Besides, I haven't mastered the art of pushing the chair at speed, so my wheelchair version of 'storming out' would be more like a 'trundle out.' Doesn't quite have the same effect does it?
It was the word 'disabled' that hit me like a tonne of bricks. That one word cut like an icy knife. It made me realise. I'm no longer a normal guy, I come under a different label now. Disabled, handicapped, or however you want to put it, that's who I am to the rest of the world now. I may as well not have a name anymore, to everyone else I'll just be that poor guy in the wheelchair. The disabled kid.

I looked at Alison.
"Are you winding me up or something?" I asked pointedly. "Horse riding?"
Alison shook her head.
"I'm 100% dead serious young man," she answered solemnly.
I rolled my eyes.
"Forgive me for my ignorance," I said, the sarcasm heavy in my voice. "But if I can't walk, or even feel my legs, how the blo0dy hell am I going to ride a horse, let along get on one?"
My mother fixed me with a warning glare, but said nothing. I turned to Jay.
"Hear her out," he said, no trace of ridicule in his face. "She knows what she's talking about."
Alison beamed at him. This was obviously her favourite child, even if she would not admit it to herself.
"There's a group nearby," she explained. "They have specialised equipment, and plenty of willing helpers. Not to mention a very good instructor."
I listened reluctantly, still thoroughly unconvinced.
"I got the name and number of the place for you," Alison continued. "You don't have to do it if you really don't want to. But if you just go along once, even just to watch, I think it would help you."
Mum looked at me.
"Well, Ryan?" she asked. "What do you say?"
I was very aware that everyone's eyes were upon me, waiting for my answer. My own eyes met my mother's and I knew what I was going to say. I'd do anything for her.
"Ok," I said eventually. "I'll go and see what it's like."
Mum's eyes shone happily. Baby tugged at my sleeve.
"Ryee gonna go be a cowboy?" she asked excitedly.
I laughed at her.
"Maybe!" I said. "Do I get to wear a stetson, then?" I asked Alison.
She laughed heartily, shaking her shiny brown mane of hair.
"'Fraid not, Sheriff!" she giggled. "You just get a rather nifty black crash helmet."
"They really are quite tasty," Jay added. "And if you're really good, they might give you a pretty coloured cap to go on the top!"
It felt good to laugh. It made the whole idea, which quite frankly scared the hell out of me, seem that little bit less daunting.
"The instructor's name, address and phone number are on the back of the leaflet. They're highly recommended."
I turned the paper over to see Alison's neat handwriting.
"Leo deSilva, True Colours Equestrian Centre," I read.
"That's him," Alison said. "The group runs on a Wednesday afternoon and on a Thursday evening. So if you phone up, you can find out when they can fit you in."
I nodded. Mum collected up the empty cups and stood them back on the tray.
"It's a gorgeous day, kids," she said. "Why don't you all go outside?"
"Sure," I said, pulling on my gloves. "Come on, Sorrel."
Pushing the wheels of the chair, I concentrated on building up a rhythm. Sorrel tottered alongside me, Devon and Katie behind, followed by Jay.
Mum was right. The sun beat down upon us as soon as we left the cool of the house. I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my forehead, a result of both the heat, and the effort of pushing.
Katie and Sorrel ran ahead, dashing, giggling and squealing up the garden path. Jay drew up beside me, and I could see that he too was struggling. It made me feel a bit better.
"I vote we stop here!" he said, out of breath.
"Seconded," I replied, peeling my gloves off my sweaty hands.
Jay eased himself down to sit, plastered leg extended, on the grass. Devon sat beside him.
"Can you believe her?" he asked. "She knows I hate my name!"
Jay regarded his little brother.
"'Cos Jason is so much better," he drawled sarcastically. "Not!"
"So what should I call you?" I asked the younger sibling.
"Ved," he replied.
"I tried calling him Dev, short for Devon," Jay explained, seeing my puzzled expression. "But he didn't like that either. So, for reasons best known to himself, he switched it backwards to Ved."
"I just thought it sounded cooler," Ved told me. "It's all I answer to now."
Jay smirked.
"Except of course, with regards to our dear mother. In which case, you are, and will always be, her darling little Devon Craig." He said the name in a mocking womanly voice.
Ved scowled at him.
"You're one to talk, Jason James," he shot back.
"Okay, okay!" Jay held up his hands. "You got me!"
Ved turned to me.
"So," he said, the hint of a smiling twitching the corners of his mouth. "Is Ryee your official nickname, or do you have a better one?"
"Ved!" Jay reprimanded sternly.
"What?" his little brother asked indignantly.
"It's ok," I intervened. "Ryee, is what my little sister has called me since she was one year old. Just her, nobody else. Now if you have a problem with that, you'd best take it up with her."
I folded my arms and watched him. He looked down uncomfortably at the floor, avoiding my eyes.
"Look, sorry man," he muttered apologetically. "It was just a joke."
I continued to fix him with my gaze, then relaxed and laughed.
"Apology accepted," I said.
Jay winked at me.
"But you do have a point," I added. "I think I do need an official nickname."
The elder of the brothers grinned impishly.
"Well, I don't know, mate!" he said. "Ryee is gonna be a tough act to follow!"
I shook my head, laughing out loud.
"You guys got any ideas?"
"Um....Nayr?" Ved ventured.
Jay screwed up nose.
"What!" he spluttered. "That's not a name!"
Ved looked sheepishly at me, shrugging his shoulders.
"It's Ryan, spelled backwards," he said. "Why, you got any better suggestions, brother?"
Jay ran a hand through his short crop of bleached blonde hair, thinking. He looked at me.
"What's you full name?" he asked.
"Ryan Andrew Masters," I answered. "Why?"
Jay nodded to himself, a twinkle of an idea dancing in his hazel eyes.
"Then that," he continued slowly. "Would make your initials....."
"R...A..M.....Ram," I finished for him. "Interesting."
"What do you think?"
"It's....different," I began. "But," I thought for a moment. "I quite like it."
Ved piped up.
"You can take it two ways as well," he commented. "There's the obvious, you know, big curly-horned sheep thing....or.."
"The computer thing," I interrupted. "RAM. Random access memory."
Jay groaned loudly.
"Not another computer boffin!" he sighed. "Living with him is bad enough!" he indicated his little brother.
"Just because you don't have the capacity to understand the high tech stuff!" Ved pouted, then focused his attention on me. "What you into then?"
"Programming mostly," I replied. "But," I grinned. "I like to indulge in the odd hacking session, too."
"Who doesn't?"

This afternoon is the best I've had since the accident. Ved and I talked computers for ages, and Jay joined in too. Turns out he's into games as well, just not all the programming behind them.
It feels so good to be accepted, despite my disability. But then, Jay and Ved never knew the whole person I was before. What's going to happen when it's time for me to go back to school, when I have to face the stares, the taunts, the comments? I'm dreading it. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
I'm still really worried about this horse riding idea. I don't see how I can ride a horse if I can't use my legs? Do horses respond to telepathy? Will I just end up humiliated, or hurting myself even worse?
But I made a promise to myself that I'm going to learn to live my life to the full. It doesn't do to dwell on what might haven been. I can't turn back the clock, I just have to accept the hand I've been dealt, however much it hurts inside. And now, I have new friends and a new name with which to face the world again. Perhaps things aren't going to be so bad after all. Ryan, he wanted to die and leave this all behind. But Ram, he wants to live.

Chapter 5: When I Close My Eyes, It's You I See

Today's the day. Everything is booked, arranged and organised, but my stomach is churning at the thought of it. I'm going to the riding group thing this afternoon, and I have a severe case of stage fright. I just know my legs are going to let me down again. How can I ever hope to be able to ride a horse? My wheelchair has sentenced me to a lifetime of sitting and watching the rest of the world go by. What have I let myself in for?

We pulled into the stables' car park at four o'clock, even though I wasn't booked in until half past. The guy Mum had spoken to on the phone had said we were welcome to come early and watch for a bit. I waited in the passenger seat as Mum unfolded the wheelchair and helped me into it. In front of us was a wooden gate, a large sign nailed onto it. It read, 'True Colours Equestrian Centre - Freedom."
"Ready honey?" Mum asked, slipping her handbag over her shoulder.
"As I'll ever be," I replied, taking a deep breath. "Let's go."
Mum ended up pushing the chair. The rough, uneven ground surface made my arms ache after only a few minutes. I just sat and enjoyed the rest, having a good look around the place. There weren't many people about, which I was silently thankful for, but row after row of neat stables, each with a different equine head peering intently over the door.
A man in his 40s saw us and walked over, a friendly smile on his face.
"Mrs Masters?" he said, offering her his hand.
My mother shook it.
"Mr deSilva I presume?" she said. "We spoke on the phone."
"Indeed," he replied, looking down at me. "And you must be Ryan."
"Guilty as charged," I answered, shaking his hand too.
Mr deSilva was a tall man of about six feet, with broad shoulders and a round, happy face. He had dark brown eyes that twinkled merrily and short, slightly greying, chocolate brown hair. I liked him straight away.
"A sense of humour!" he chuckled. "We like that around here."
I relaxed the tense muscles of my face to smile. Perhaps this might turn out ok after all. With him to teach me, I wouldn't feel quite so embarrassed or nervous.
"I thought we were going to be able to watch you teach before Ryan's lesson?" Mum asked.
Mr deSilva nodded.
"You'll get to watch the lesson before yours, yes," he said, a hint of mystery in his eyes. I was puzzled.
"Then how comes you're...?"
"I'm not the instructor," he cut me short.
Mum furrowed her brow, pulling out the leaflet Alison had given me.
"But you are Leo deSilva, are you not?" she said, reading the name.
The kind man shook his head.
"Come with me."
Both as confused as one another, Mum pushed be after Mr deSilva, down one of the yards of stables, along a path, to a fenced of area. The fencing enclosed an outdoor riding arena, the ground covered in a layer of soft golden sand.
In the centre of the arena, was a tiny black pony, a Shetland with a long, unruly, curly mane and tail. A boy of my age held the pony on the end of a lead rope.
Mr deSilva turned to my mother and I.
"Allow me to explain, and introduce myself properly," he said. "My name is Joseph deSilva and I am the owner of True Colours."
As I listened, my eyes were drawn to movement by the fence opposite us. A woman in her late twenties was passing a tiny child to someone on the inside of the sand arena. The little girl was wearing a riding hat. I turned back to Joseph, who smiled at me knowingly.
"And that," he continued, indicating the figure now holding the small child. "Is the instructor."
My eyes moved back to look again. There was no doubt about it.
"But!" I said in confused protest. "That's a girl!"
"Ten points for your observation, sonny," Joseph said, then waved at the girl. "Over here, sweetheart!"
The girl jiggled the tiny tot around to give her a piggy-back and skipped across the sand to our side of the fence.
"You called, Dad?" she said, her passenger giggling loudly.
"This is Ryan," he said, placing a strong hand on my shoulder. "Your new rider."
The girl offered me her hand, more delicate than her father's.
"Nice to meet you, Ryan," she greeted me warmly. "I'm your instructor, Leonora deSilva, but you can call me Leo."
So that was where the mistake came from! She pronounced her full name, lay-oh-nora, shortening it to lay-oh, but of course, still spelling it the masculine way.
I shook her hand, not knowing how to reply, not able to reply. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
Leo deSilva had the same deep honey-golden tan as her father. Her eyes were large and hazel brown, flecks of gold dancing in them, fringed with long dark lashes. Her hair was pulled back of her face in a loose, messy bun, black as ebony, with a glossy sheen. And as she looked at me, her smile lit up her beautiful face, and melted my heart.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I know I certainly didn't, not until that moment at least.
I'll never forget the way she looked at me. I've become used to seeing people look sorry for me, pitying me, and I hate it with a passion. I don't want their sympathy, not anymore, not ever. All I want is for people to treat me like a normal human being. I want them to forget the wheelchair and focus on me as a person. As someone who counts. And that's just what she did.
Unlike most, her gorgeous eyes never once flitted to stare or even peep at the chair, or my legs. Those enchanting hazel orbs sparkled happily, genuinely pleased to meet me. There was no front with Leo. She was open and honest. And from that moment on, I know I want, love her, more than anything.

Leo broke the silence
"Meet Casey!" she said cheerily, raising her eyes to the child bouncing and wriggling on her back. "I think," she continued. "We'd better get her on Harry, before my back gives in!"
She laughed, her perfect smile flashing her teeth.
"See you in a bit, Ryan," she added, before she swung little Casey down from her back and carried her over to the waiting pony.
For a few minutes, as Casey sat on Harry, gurgling and clapping, Leo and the boy adjusted various straps on the pony's saddle.
"All set, Casey?" Leo asked the tot.
Casey clapped some more.
"I suppose that's a yes, then," the guy smiled, giving a light pull on the lead rope. "Giddy-up, Harry."
I watched, totally absorbed, as pony, rider, leader and teacher circled the arena. The little girl was so tiny, her feet didn't even reach past the saddle flaps. Casey laughed, smiled and clapped all the while, happy as anything.
"She's so sweet!" cooed Mum.
Joseph smiled, but it was tinged with sadness.
"How old would you say she is?" he asked me softly.
I looked at the girl for a moment.
"Three. Maybe four at most," I answered. "Why?"
"She's eight."
"You're kidding?" I gasped, astounded. Casey was barely half as tall as Baby, yet two years older.
Mr deSilva shook his head sadly.
"The condition she has affects development," he explained. "It's severely stunted her growth, and means she barely speaks. Just the odd word here and there."

Hearing Casey's story makes me feel extremely humble, and also, guilty. Here is a tiny child, who has never known life without handicap, without struggle. Never been a normal little girl, and yet, she can still smile, and laugh, and love the life she has been given with all her heart. And then there's me, who's had fifteen years of near perfect health, every chance of a good life that Casey has never had, but then, now that it's been taken away from me, all I can do is feel sorry for myself. At that moment, I would have done anything to give Casey fifteen healthy years. She's a true inspiration, and seeing her has made me all the more determined to enjoy my time on this earth. After all, you never know what lies ahead.

"Shall we have a little trot, Casey?" Leo asked.
Casey reached out to her, and wrapped her arms around Leo's neck. Leo tickled her gently. The little one squealed with delight.
"Hold on then," Leo said firmly, placing the rider's tiny hands around the handle at the front of the pony's saddle.
Leo nodded to the boy leading.
"Let's go, babe," she said. "Trot on, Harry!"
The black Shetland responded to her voice and began trotting around the arena, the boy leading encouraging him too. The dark-maned deSilva girl held onto Casey, keeping her balanced in the saddle, whilst the little child whooped excitedly. After a full circuit of the arena, Leo called out.
"Whoa Harry!"
The pony slowed back to a walk. Leo sighed.
"Time to get off, kiddo," she said sadly.
The boy led Harry into the middle of the arena and brought him to a halt. Leo lifted Casey off with ease and set her down on the sand. The eight year old toddled unsteadily up to the pony's face, holding tightly to Leo's hand to keep herself upright.
"Give Harry a pat!" Casey's mum called from the fence.
The sweet little girl put her teeny hand to the pony's soft, velvety nose and giggled as he sniffed her face and brushed her cheek with his whiskers.
Leo walked Casey slowly over to the fence, where she was swept up into her waiting mother's loving arms.
"Say thank you to Leo," Casey's mum told her daughter.
Casey looked at Leo adoringly, playing with a loose strand of her raven tresses.
"Thank e t eeo," she gurgled.
"Your welcome, angel," the girl replied. "See you next week."
When Casey and her mum had gone, Leo came back over to us. The boy brought the pony over too, which Leo kissed on the nose.
"What would I do without you, Harry Hairylegs?" she sighed. "My first pony," she added proudly. "Now the grand old age of 37."
I reached out my hand to stroke the pony's nose.
"What you waiting for then, buddy?" the boy asked me. He and Leo were obviously related. "Hop on."
His face was deadly serious as his brown eyes looked over the rims of his black-framed glasses at me. He was of the same natural skin tone as both Leo and her dad, and had black hair, though extremely short, almost all shaved off.
"Pardon?" I said, looking to the others.
"You came to ride didn't you?" he asked me.
"Yes, but..."
"Well here's a pony," the boy continued. "So you'd better get riding!"
Leo came to my rescue, reaching round and cuffing the guy on the shoulder.
"Ignore my cousin," she laughed, shaking her head at him. "He's Morgan by the way. Morgan Prince, or Mega, as he likes to be called. I've got someone sorting out something a bit bigger than Harry for you to ride."
I sighed with relief.
"No hard feelings, man?" asked Mega. "Just joking with you."
"None at all."
Leo turned to the gate, as another girl appeared, leading a medium-sized chestnut coloured pony. Leo took the reins from her.
"Thanks Maria," she said appreciatively. "You wouldn't mind putting Harry away would you?"
"Not at all," the black-skinned girl answered breezily, taking the pony from Mega. "Come on you little black shagpile-carpet-on-legs," she said to Harry, her brown eyes smiling. She looked at me. "Have a good ride."
"Can you get the mounting block and ramp out please, Mega?" asked Leo, tightening the pony's girth.
Mega obliged willingly. Leo put the reins over the pony's head, and fastened a strap with a handle attached to it around the animal's neck.
"This, to give him his full name, is True Colours Caramelo," she announced grandly, arranging his forelock neatly between his elegantly pointed ears. "Cara, or Melly, to his friends."
"Caramelo?" I repeated, trying to say it in the same accent.
"It's Spanish for 'sweet,'" she told me. "So naturally, this pony is the spawn of Satan!"
I laughed nervously, but she seemed to sense my apprehension.
"But seriously," she continued, her hazel eyes soft. "He's as good as gold, so stop worrying."
I nodded.
"Try this on for size," Joseph said from behind me, lowering a crash hat onto my head. "Not too tight is it?"
I shook my head.
"Cat got your tongue, babe?" Leo asked, sticking her own out at me. "Breath Ryan!" she said kindly. "You're going to be fine. I promise."

I wanted to believe her, with all my heart, but my stomach was still insisting on tying itself in knots. I was so close to making an excuse to go, but something in her words made me stay. I trust her, and I want her to help me. I've never met anybody quite like Leonora deSilva before. If I leave now, she'll be out of my life. I want to learn to be happy, to live, despite my disability, just like Casey does, and I think, that this girl, this beautiful angel, is the key.

Chapter 6: Everywhere To Me

"So, are we going to do this, Ryan?"

We. When I heard that word leave her lips, I felt a surge of relief and gratitude. From then on, I knew for sure that I'm not alone in my fight to live my life. After the accident, it feels like being in a wheelchair has built some invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the world, even between myself and my own family. That I'm invisible, even. All that time I was in hospital, and the short time I've spent out of there, I've been waiting, longing, praying, for the day when someone would come to help me tear that barrier down, or lift me over it. I thought it would never happen. But then, I met her and she is going to help me. Leonora deSilva is on my side, right beside me, to see that I have a future. Together, we're going to bring that barrier down brick by brick, and set me free.

I looked up at Leo from underneath the grey, crash helmet style riding hat.
"Yes," I said firmly. "I'm ready."
Leo grinned widely.
"Then you'd better come in," she said, swinging the gate open.
With renewed determination, I pushed the wheels of my chair forcefully, driving myself purposefully through the gate into the arena. As the tyres touched the sand, I suddenly found the wheels stiff, making pushing incredibly difficult.
"Need a hand?" asked Joseph kindly, appearing beside me. "Don't want to be so tired you fall of the horse, now, do you?"
I smiled up at the thoughtful man.
"I'd really appreciate you help," I said truthfully, not just being polite. "Thank you."
As her father pushed me in, Leo was leading the chestnut pony towards a large platform, with a ramp leading up to it. Mega had set it all up. Leo brought the pony as close as possible to the platform and had him stand there, quiet and still.
I could feel my heart pounding as Mr deSilva guided the chair up the ramp so I was right next to Caramelo, facing the saddle. Leo gave me a thumbs up sign. Joseph and Mega stood either side of me.
"Ok then, Ryan," Joseph said confidently. "This is how it's going to work. First, I'm going to put your left foot into the stirrup."
He took hold of the metal foothold to show me. It hung barely a few inches above the platform.
"Mega and I will lift you up, taking your weight. Then, Mega is going to slide your right leg over the pony's back and I'll lower you into the saddle. I won't let go. You'll be just fine, ok?"
I nodded, though I was still terrified. But I couldn't back out, not now.
"Here we go then," Joseph said.
Leo's father picked up my left foot, stretching it forward, placing it into the stirrup. It was weird. It seemed as if my foot belonged to someone else. I felt Joseph and Mega each take one of my arms, draping them across their shoulders and bracing themselves, before lifting me clear of the chair.
I watched, as Mega twisted to pick up my trailing right leg and bend it to swing over the pony's broad back. Joseph was true to his word, he held me tight, waiting for Mega's signal.
"Ok, ready," his nephew called.
At this, Joseph lowered my upper body slowly down. Mega had jumped off the platform to guide my right foot into the other stirrup. I saw my legs bend at the knees as I touched down into the saddle, though I could not feel the muscles at work. I looked up, to see Leo, at the pony's head, beaming at me, the golden flecks in dancing and sparkling in her bright eyes.
"There you are, Ryan," she said simply.
Mega and his uncle adjusted the stirrups to the correct length for my legs.
"How does it feel?" Leo asked softly.
"Weird," I gulped, still nervous. "Very weird."
The beautiful girl moved to Cara's shoulder, then reached up and took a hold of my right hand, which until then, had been clinging to the front of the saddle. The warmth of her touch sent shivers down my spine, as she squeezed my hand reassuringly.
"You've done so well to get this far," Leo told me sincerely. "Now listen to me. We're going to start of slowly, just a few steps. Mega's going to lead Cara and Dad and I will be right beside you. You ready?"
"Ready," I answered, swallowing my fear.
Leo placed my hand back on the front of the saddle, then walked around to the right of me. Mega clicked a lead rope onto Cara's bridle.
"Here we go."
Cara stepped forward slowly. As his legs reached across the sand, I could feel his powerful muscles shift me about in the saddle, with a smooth, rhythmic, rocking motion.
"Just try to relax and go with him," Joseph advised.
I nodded, concentrating hard.
Mum watched from the fence. As we passed her, I smiled. There were happy tears glistening in her grey-blue eyes. Tentatively, I raised a hand to give her a wave, then grabbed hard at the saddle as I felt myself slip suddenly sideways. Cara stopped.
"It's ok, Ryan," soothed Leo, she and her father shifting me back into position. "Walk on Cara."
We made slow, but steady progress around the arena, Cara's hooves stirring up the sand, as I got used to the movement.
Leo looked up at me, the golden dust of the sand sticking to her skin and the faded denim of her jeans. She wore a simple strappy vest top, the straps knotted on top of her shoulders, of a bright turquoise-blue colour.
"You're still not relaxed, you know," she said with a cheeky grin.
"How do you know I'm not?" I replied defensively.
Leo nodded towards my hands.
"Look at those," she said. "Last time I check this wasn't a white-knuckle ride!"
She was right. My knuckles stood out, pale and drawn from clutching at the saddle.
"So how do I relax?" I asked.
"Breathe!" she exclaimed.
I let out a deep breath.
"Or," Leo continued, a glint in her eyes. "You could always join me in a little sing-song?"
I rolled my eyes at her.
"I don't think so!" I said firmly. "I'd scare the horse!"
Leo pouted, pulling a sad, puppy-dog eyed face.
"Fine!" she said, tossing her head haughtily. "I'll just have to sing all on my own!"
She thought carefully for a moment, and then opened her mouth to sing.
"When you're down, and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, whoa, nothing, is going right..."
I smiled. I knew the song well. It was a favourite of Mum's.
"Close your eyes, and think of me," Leo sang on, in her gorgeous, rich voice. I'd never heard anyone sing the way she could before. "Oh and soon I will be there, to brighten up, even, your darkest night...."
With a laugh and a shake of my head, I looked down at her, and joined in with the chorus, my voice much deeper than hers, and not quite as tuneful.
"You just call, out my name, and you know, wherever I am, I'll come running, yeah, to see you again," we sang in unison. "Don't you know that, winter, spring, summer or fall, all you got to do is call, and I'll be there, yes I will. You've got a friend."
We were both grinning from ear to ear and I glanced down at my hands. They weren't even holding on, just resting gently on the pony's silky neck. Leo winked at me.
"What did I tell you?" she giggled.
Joseph spoke up from the other side of me.
"It's five o'clock kids," he said, looking at his watch. "End of lesson."
The time had flown by. I heard Leo's silky smooth voice speak to me.
"You did it Ryan," she said.
I looked all around me.
"Yeah," I said, my voice surprised. "I guess I did."

By the time Joseph and Mega had returned me safely to my wheelchair, it had begun to sink in.
Today, for thirty whole minutes, I was free from my disabled wheelchair confinement and restriction. I rode a horse!
I know the main idea of these lessons is to exercise my muscles, to give me a greater level of strength and flexibility, but they're all going to give me the freedom I crave. When I get used to it, Leo can teach me to ride by myself, with no leaders, no one walking with me, just me and the horse, free to do whatever we want, go wherever we please. I can't wait.

Leo and her dad walked out to the car park with us. Joseph shook my hand again.
"You did great, Ryan," he praised warmly. "You should be very proud of yourself."
I was. I felt like I was on cloud nine.
Mum turned to Leo, her eyes misty, overcome by what she had witnessed.
"Thank you!" she gushed, running her hand down Leo's golden cheek. "For all you've done for Ryan today."
The deSilva girl smiled, then winked at me.
"No problem," she replied modestly. "You ain't seen nothing yet!"
She bobbed down to my level.
"You got any plans for tomorrow?" Leo asked.
Mum answered before I could.
"You're going back to school tomorrow," she reminded me, not that I needed it.
"Sure," Leo said. "I'll be at school too. But after that?"
I looked at Mum. Nothing.
"No, after school I'm not busy," I answered. "Why?"
"Well," Leo explained, leaning on the arm of my chair. "On a Thursday afternoon we like to take some of the horses out for a ride on the beach. I thought you might want to join us."
"Um, yeah," I gabbled awkwardly. "What time?"
"Meet us down there at about 4:30?" she said.
"Sounds cool," I replied. "See you then."
Mum helped me into the car. As we pulled away Leo and Joseph waved. I waved back, watching her until they were both out of sight.

What a day! Nothing could spoil the euphoric mood I was in when we got home. Not my father's distain, David's indifference, nor the restrictions of being back in the chair. Nothing, except the though of going to school tomorrow.
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. There's new ones, Jay and Ved for example. They'll have enrolled at school by tomorrow. And there's Reshef, and his girlfriend Efrat. Reshef and I now have something else in common, besides our love of technology, we both have disabilities. I'm paralysed and he's blind.
But it's not them I'm worried about, it's everyone else. The people who've never liked me, and those who will stare as I push myself down the corridors. I can't blend into the background anymore. I'll be a walking, sorry, rolling target for taunts and insults.
At least I have something to look forward to tomorrow. Leo. I don't know why I haven't noticed her at school, I've seen Mega around a few times. I guess I wasn't really looking.
If I close my eyes, I can still see her watching me, her infectious smile, her smooth skin and dazzling eyes. I can almost feel the gentle of her touch on my hand and hear the sweet sounds of her voice as she sang. You've got a friend. And I have, another one. But what I wouldn't give for her to be so much more than that, even for a moment. I'd give the stars and the moon, my all, to hold her in my arms and hear her whisper those three words...I love you.
As I sat here, thinking about her, I turned on the radio, and the song that floated across the room said it all.

'Because you're everywhere to me;
And when I close my eyes, it's you I see;
You're everything I know that makes me believe;
I'm not alone.'

And I'm not. Whatever the relationship is between Leo and I, as long as there is one, I'll never be alone. Not ever.

Chapter 7: Finding My Soul, There In Your Eyes

Going back to school was every last bit as demeaning and demoralising as I'd dreaded it to be. But I did learn who my true friends are, despite the short time I've known them. It was the others that made me feel like a freak. It's a cruel world out there, and if you're on wheels, like I am, everyone looks down at you. You're a prime target for their insults. Believe me, I know.

I'd just left maths. It was morning breaktime, 11 o'clock. I'd arranged to meet up with Jay and Ved by the main staircase, just along the corridor from my maths class. It was only a short distance, but as I pushed myself down the corridor, it felt like an eternity.
Heads turned, conversations dried up, people stopped in their tracks and stared, all because I'm in a wheelchair. All because I'm different from them. From the crowds, someone stepped out right in front of me. I ground to a halt, stopping the wheels from turning, and looked up at their face.
"Good to have you back, Ryan," the tall male said, his voice anything but friendly and sincere.
"Raphael," I said, recognising him instantly.
The guy towering in front of me, had I even been standing, was still far taller than me, and stocky, powerfully built. Imposing, with red hair, parted in the middle, and brown eyes, eyes that glared menacingly at me.
"Nice set of wheel you got their, pal," he said, smiling coldly.
I rolled my eyes at him, trying not to rise to the bait. My fighting days are well and truly over. There were girls tittering away in the background. So much for sympathy for the poor guy in a wheelchair.
"Mind if I take them for a quick spin?"
Before I knew what was happening, before I could even utter a reply, Raphael had grabbed the handles on the back of my chair and swung me around violently.
"Get off me!" I shouted, gripping the armrests tightly with one hand, flailing pitifully at Raphael with the other.
He just laughed. Everybody laughed.
"Not enjoying the ride, Ryan?" my tormentor cackled gleefully, whirling the chair round faster and faster.
"Stop it!" I screamed out, fighting for breath, struggling to prevent myself falling out of the chair.
The gathered kids just laughed even harder. No one even attempted to help me. Except.....
"Hey!" I heard a voice cry out.
I couldn't tell who it was. The corridors were spinning manically in my head. I felt sick.
"Get off him!" the voice roared defiantly.
Suddenly, the chair stopped spinning. I had my eyes closed, gulping down oxygen. The sweat was pouring down my forehead. Still dizzy, I opened my eyes.
"Looks like you have a knight in shinning armour, Ryan," Raphael teased. "But I didn't know they had girl knights!"
"Huh?"
I lifted my head groggily, confused and disorientated. I saw who had come to my rescue. It was Leo, with Mega right beside her. Raphael drew himself up to his full height, well over six feet, looking down at Leo.
"You got a problem, sweetheart?" he purred, his voice laced with mock concern.
Leo's eyes blazed furiously. She didn't flinch.
"Yeah," she spat angrily. "You're still breathing!"
Raphael folded his arms coolly, and laughed in her face.
"Leo," I croaked. "Leave it."
"No, Ryan," she insisted, shaking her head. "The guy's scum. He needs to be taught a lesson."
"And you think you can take me on, sugar?" Raphael laughed smugly. "I'd never hit a girl!"
Leo shrugged her shoulders.
"I'd like to say I'd never hit a guy, either," she said simply. "But that'd be a lie."
And with frightening force, she threw a punch at him, her fist connecting with his nose with a resounding crunch.
Suddenly, Jay on his crutches, accompanied by Ved, pushed their way though the crowd.
"Are you ok?" Jay asked concerned. He looked first at Leo, then to Raphael, who lay groaning on the floor, then back at Leo.
"What?" she asked innocently. "He deserved it."
"Let's just go shall we?" I said. "Please?"
Jay lead the way, Ved pushing my chair. I was two exhausted to even attempt to do it myself. Mega stepped over Raphael.
"What if he rats on you?" Mega asked his cousin.
Leo rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"I don't think you'll be telling anyone," she said, speaking down to Raphael. "You don't want any more people to know you got your @ss kicked by a girl, do you?"

I was thankful for their help. All of them. Ved and Jay, for making sure I was alright, and calming the situation down. And to Leo, for taking Raphael down a peg or 6. I'd not seen that side of her before. She's kind, and sweet and beautiful, but there's one hell of a lot of fire and spirit in her heart.
A part of me wished that I'd been able to defend myself, to not have had to rely on others for once. But, I swallowed my pride and thanked them. My friends, for being there when I needed them. After all, that's what friends are for, isn't it?

The rest of the morning passed quietly, without incident, though people still gawped and stared as I passed. Lunchtime came, and so Jay, Ved, Mega, Leo and myself went out and sat in the glorious sunshine on the sports field.
"Ryan," Leo said, sitting on the soft grass to my right. "That guy this morning.."
"Raphael," I said, looking down at her from the chair, her black hair in one long braid to her waist, shinning in the light. "What about him?"
"Why he do it?" she asked, rummaging in her denim shoulder-bag for her lunch. "He really had it in for you."
I sighed, the sun's rays hot on my back.
"He's never liked me," I told them. "Every since we were in nursery school together. We'd always be the ones fighting."
"Who started it though?" Jay asked, rolling the sleeves of his crisp white t-shirt up to his shoulders. "Did he pick on you, or was it the other way around?"
I took my sandwiches out of the rucksack I'd hung on the back of my wheelchair, unfolding the tinfoil.
"I used to wind him up a lot," I admitted. "But as we got older, I stopped."
"But he still held a grudge against you?" Mega guessed.
"Yeah," I replied. "He's never forgiven me for it."
Leo took a bite out of her cheese roll.
"We now he knows not to mess with you," she said firmly. "And especially not to mess with me!"
Ved laughed, leaning back on his arms.
"I should think not!" he exclaimed. "Where'd you learn that right hook?"
Leo shrugged her shoulders, looking as beautiful as ever, in a smarter pair of dark denim flared jeans, with a ripped waistband, and a purple vest top.
"Just comes naturally," she said with a wry smile.
"Remind me never to upset you!" Jay added. "I like my nose the way it is!"
I heard footsteps from behind us. I looked over my shoulder, to see my good friend, Reshef, walking towards us, his arm looped through that of his younger girlfriend, Efrat.
"Reshef," I said warmly. "Good to see you."
The dark-haired guy turned his head towards the sound of my voice.
"Good to hear you, Ryan," he replied, deadpan. His head turned a little. "Who else is here?"
"Some new friends of mine. Jay, and his little brother, Ved. Then there's Leo, she's a girl by the way," Leo let out a short laugh. "And her cousin, Mega."
Reshef nodded to himself, absorbing this new information.
"Four new voices to learn," he said softly.
Jay turned to Ved.
"Have you seen Rinna lately?" he asked.
Ved shook his head.
"Maybe we should go look for her," Jay said thoughtfully. "To see if she's ok?"
"If you say so," mumbled Ved, getting to his feet. "You stay here though, Hop-along," he told Jay. "I'll find her."
Jay nodded gratefully. Reshef, with a little direction from Efrat, sat down on my left.
"So how are you coping, Ryan," the sightless fifteen year old asked. "Honestly?"
"I'm managing," I replied. "It's been difficult, but things are beginning to fall into place. I stole a quick glance at Leo. "Anyway, you have it much worse."
"How do you figure that?" Reshef asked, a small smile forming on his lips.
"Because I know there are things I simply can't do, I physically can't. But you, your body can still do everything, anything you want it to, only, you can see to do it."
Reshef's scarred face was turned towards me.
"I see your point, Ryan," he said slowly. "But you can still see, and you have to watch everybody else doing the things you cannot. That must be torture."
Leo laid back on the grass, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand.
"At least you're both still alive," she put in. "Isn't that the most important thing?"
"Amen to that!" Jay added.
I looked down at her, my eyes straying to the ornate necklace she wore, as it glinted in the sunshine.
"Yeah," I answered. "I guess you're right."
Leo sat up, and leant on the arm of my chair. Her eyes sparkled.
"I know I'm right, Ryan," she said confidently, a mischievous grin appearing on her face. "I always am!"

*************************************************

"Looking for someone?"
Ved turned around to the source of the voice. His eyes met those of a young girl, of roughly his own age.
"Er, yeah," he replied. "As a matter of fact, I am."
The girl stepped towards him, all enquiring green eyes, and long, vibrant red hair, pulled back into a loose ponytail. The shadows cast by the leaves of the tree they were standing under danced across her face as the branches stirred in the breeze.
"Can I help?" she asked.
"I'm looking for my sister," Ved told her. "About your height, dark hair to her shoulders, with gold streaks in it?"
The girl's face suddenly changed. From previously being open and friendly, to hardened, a fierce scowl.
"Her name wouldn't happen to be Rinna, would it?" she asked, visibly agitated.
"Yeah, that's her."
The girl rolled her eyes.
"Then," she said icily. "You'll find your sister over there, under that tree, with two girls every damn bit as b1tchy and heartless as she is!"
Ved twisted around. Sure enough, there was his older sister, dressed in a pair of black flares, and a pretty, baby blue corset, showing off her figure as usual. Ved looked back at the unhappy girl.
"Hey...er..."
"Megan," she filled in for him. "Megan Taylor."
"Right...Megan," Ved continued. "What's your big issue with my sister?"
Megan, arms folded defensively across the scarlet tube top she was wearing, combined with plain black trousers and a pair of chunky black and red boots, sneered. She seemed close to tears.
"Let's just say," she said, her voice pained. "That there are enough people here already who make fun of me, without her adding her name to the list."
Ved ran his hand through the scruffy bleach blonde of his hair.
"Look, I'm sorry about my sister," he said awkwardly. "Now I gotta go, but maybe, I'll see you around sometime?"
Megan shrugged her shoulders.
"Maybe," she replied quietly. "At least you'll know where to find me."
Ved raised an eyebrow.
"I will?"
The troubled girl was already walking away, but she paused, and looked the blonde straight in the eye.
"Just follow the laughter," she sighed. And then, she was gone.

******************************************************


".....And then Leo here, goes.... 'Well I'd hit a guy...' and then, smack!" Jay related animatedly to Reshef, illustrating his words, by slapping his fist into the palm of his hand.
Reshef chuckled dryly.
"I wish I could have seen that," he said sadly. "He's been asking for it for years now."
Efrat looked Leo over wide-eyed, her long curtain of dark brown hair draped across her back.
"You wouldn't believe it to look at you," she said to Leo.
"Oh?" the other girl asked.
"I agree," Jay said, backing up Efrat. "You're too sweet and pretty looking to seem like the man-beating type."
Leo blinked her hazel eyes and shuffled uncomfortably on the grass.
"Careful what you say, Blondie," she shot back at him. "Or you might be next on my list!"
For a moment, she almost sounded serious, but then, she winked at Jay, and collapsed in a fit of giggles. Jay looked towards the direction in which Ved had gone. No sign of him. But, someone else caught Jay's eye.
Walking across the sports field, was a girl.
Jay's hazel eyes scanned every inch of her. She had long, silky, chestnut brown hair, that framed her delicate face in soft waves. Her skin was creamy pale, unbronzed by the sun, and her figure elfin and slender.
She was dressed in a knee-length denim skirt, trimmed with an inch or so of white lace, and a simple blue shirt with short sleeves. The outfit would have been plain on most, but on her, it was simply stunning.
Suddenly, Jay was aware of something waving in front of his face. It was Leo's hand.
"Earth to Blondie!" the raven-haired girl called, that was her name for him from then on.
Jay shook his head, bringing his mind back to the group.
"Isabelle Addison," Mega said.
"Huh?"
Mega nodded over at the chestnut-maned girl Jay had been drooling over.
"That's her name, Isabelle Addison," Leo reiterated. "She has riding lessons at True Colours."
"And she's single," Mega added with afterthought. "In case you were wondering."

By the end of the day, I was beginning to feel more comfortable at being back in school. At least I had things to keep my brain occupied. Plus, there was something I'd never really had, or experienced. I was part of a group. Accepted, just the way I am. I don't need to put on a brave face with them, my friends. They understand me, and I, them. Things can only get better.

It was just after half past four. After a brief dispute with Mum, I'd finally persuaded her I could manage going down to the beach to meet Leo on my own.
The ocean breeze cooled the sweat on my skin as my arms propelled the chair along the footpath running alongside the sand dunes. I had seen no sigh on horses so far, maybe they were running late.
I let the wheels of the chair roll by themselves down the dirt track that sloped down, straight onto the golden sand.
Then, to my left, I caught a glimpse of them. There were four horses and riders in total. I waited for them to come closer.
In front, I recognised Mega, riding a fidgety piebald. The horse jogged on the spot, then plunged and put in a mischievous buck. Mega wrapped his leg around the animal's sides and drove it forwards, bringing it under control.
Behind him, came Maria, one of the stablegirls, riding Caramelo, the first horse I'd ridden. There was no bucking from him. He behaved impeccably. Alongside Maria, was Joseph deSilva, mounted on a powerful, muscular Quarter Horse, a striking golden palomino. He saw me and waved.
Mega drew his mare to a halt a few metres from me. Last but by no means least, the final rider had to be Leo. And it was.
Her horse, was the most magnificent animal I had ever seen. He was a stallion, standing at almost seventeen hands, with a coat of the purest white. An albino. Leo urged him on, and he responded, galloping along the water's edge, the frothy spray churned as his powerful hooves thundered across the sand. His mane and tail were long, and billowed in the breeze, his snow white mingling with the darkest ebony of Leo's hair, that streamed out behind her as they flew across the beach.
It was an awesome sight. Girl and horse, no saddle, just a bridle. It was as though there were one, united. The stallion's hooves pounded a steady beat on the sand, as the two, horse and rider, were joined in a hypnotic dance to a powerful rhythm that seemed to beat from inside them. The rhythm of life. I wanted to join their dance, that of life and freedom, but I knew in my heart, I couldn't. All I could do was watch.

Seeing Leo ride on the beach that afternoon was awesome, but it's also brought an aching in my heart. The physical power and speed of the union between horse and rider, seemed to make my disability, my weakness, all the more apparent. I want the freedom they have, and I can't help but think I'm kidding myself.
She's clever, beautiful, spirited and free, and what am I? I'm a prisoner in my own broken down body. How can I ever even dare to dream that she'd choose me? How could she ever love me? She deserves far, far better than I can ever give her, and that's all there is to it.

Chapter 8: Dying To Be Alive

'As I look back to those distant days;
I often stop and think;
Of how you changed my life in so many ways;
And brought me back from the brink.'

"Wow, look at you, Ryan. You're really doing it!"
A wide, triumphant grin spread across my face. She was right.

It's been almost a month since the day I first rode a horse, the day I met Leonora deSilva. Time has flown by, and life, in a wheelchair, has been better than I ever dreamed it could possibly be.
Our group's bond has grown visibly stronger, and everyone has their place. We all belong. Jay is without a doubt our leader, how could he not be? He's level-headed, intelligent, strong and knows how to handle things. But everybody has their own talents and strengths, even me. And it seems, we may be welcoming a few more faces to the fold, female faces, in the not too distant future.
Ved seems to have taken a girl called Megan under his wing, though quite how wise that is, for her, I'm not so sure! From what I gather, she's been badly bullied and doesn't trust easily. Perhaps we can protect her. And Jay, well, he's hoping that sometime soon, he'll get up the guts to ask out Isabelle Addison, and that she'll say yes. And me? Well, my friendship with Leo has gone from strength to strength. She understands me better than some members of my own family, my flesh and blood. I still love her, more than she will ever know, I'm sure, but I'm trying to tell myself not to expect more than friendship. I'd rather have her as my best friend, than not have her in my life at all.

Leo watched me proudly as I guided Caramelo through another circle and then followed on with a perfect three-loop serpentine.
"I'd better watch out!" she remarked, walking over to me across the sand. "You're a natural!"
Hearing her praise my efforts made them feel even more of a success. I felt confident astride my chestnut mount. By now, Caramelo had adjusted to my style of riding. I can't squeeze with my calves like an able-bodied rider would, I have to use a soft riding whip to give a gentle tap on the horse's neck, but mostly, he'll respond to my voice, as a signal to go forward. So far, Leo had concentrated on getting me walking by myself and turning the horse. Now, it seemed, she was ready to teach me something new.
"Think you're ready to move up a gear?" Leo asked, patting Caramelo's arched neck.
"You mean trot? I asked.
She nodded.
"If you think I'm ready," I replied. "Then let's do it."
Leo shook a few loose strands of black hair out of her eyes.
"Your wish my command, Master," she said with a grin.
I looked down at her.
"Don't you mean Masters?" I asked innocently, referring to my surname.
Leo stuck her tongue out at me.
"Let's get on with it, shall we?"
She took the reins from my hands and tied them in a loose knot, letting them rest on Caramelo's neck. I gave her a quizzical glance.
"Won't I be needing those?"
Leo shook her head.
"You just need to hold the front of the saddle," she explained. "I'll get Cara moving, you just concentrate on relaxing and getting used to the rhythm, ok?"
I nodded.
"Ready when you are, Batman!"
She laughed.
"Whatever you say, Catwoman!" she countered, putting her hand on my knee. I wished I could feel her touch. "Trot on!" she called to Cara.
The little chestnut horse obliged. Leo jogged alongside, keeping my left knee in position. The movement was bumpy, but I tried to do as Leo had said and relax. After half a circuit of the arena, Leo slowed Cara back to a walk.
"Great job, Ryan," Leo congratulated me.
"Definately!" called a familiar voice.
It was Jay, minus the plaster cast and crutches.
"Well look at you, Blondie!" Leo threw back at him.
Jay grinned widely, leaning on the wooden fence enclosing the arena. Along the path, came Ved, along with his two sisters, Rinna, and little Katie. Then I recognised Alison, and the familiar face of my mother, Sorrel holding her hand. No Dad, of course, he's away at the army base, but, just behind Mum, was David's athletic frame.
"Looks as if you have an audience," Leo remarked quietly. "So we'd better put on a good show."
"We?" I queried. "What do you mean?"
Leo winked conspiratorially at me.
"You'll see," she said mysteriously, turning to look at the small crowd gathered by the fence. "Go," she told me. "Show them your moves, in walk, ok? I'll be right back."

... 'I'd almost lost complete control;
All I wanted was to be free;
But then, an angel, touched my heart and soul;
Because, that day, you saved me.'

Obediently, I walked Cara sedately around the arena, circling, looping and spiraling, like I'd been doing it all my life. It was easy. I could see Mum smiling proudly from the fence. I felt myself glowing with pride as I drew Caramelo to a square halt right in front of my 'audience' and was greeted with a round of applause.
"Wow, baby," my mother murmured admiringly. "That was amazing."
"Ryee make good cowboy!" Sorrel proclaimed happily.
"He does indeed!" I heard Leo's rich voice, with its faint Spanish twang call from behind me.
I looked over my shoulder, to see her, mounted bareback on her albino stallion. She smiled.
"You ready to put on a real show?" she asked.
Joseph and Mega appeared alongside her, opening the gate. The albino's long strides soon reached us, and she drew him to a halt, right beside Cara and I, so close, the horses' flanks were almost touching.
"You ready?" Joseph asked me, standing on my left. I was confused.
"Ready for what?"
"You're going up there, of course," the stable owner said simply, pointing to the albino stallion's back.
"Are you serious?" I exclaimed, open-mouthed.
"Deadly serious," Leo said. "Haven't you ever wished you could fly, Ryan?"
"Doesn't everyone?"
The dark beauty smiled softly.
"I can teach you to fly. If you trust me."
I looked into her hazel eyes, gentle and honest, just like her.
"Of course I trust you," I said in a whisper.
"Then up you go, lad," Joseph said.
I was too lost in a pool of my own thoughts to pay much attention as I was somehow lifted and transferred to the broad back of Leo's stallion.
"Hold onto the reins," she whispered into my ear, sitting behind me.
I picked up the leather straps, and then felt Leo's hands placed on my waist, and her legs, behind my own, nudge the horse's sides.
"Breathe, Ryan," Leo said softly. "My boy, Thunderhead, will take care of you. I promise."
I breathed out heavily. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my neck, she was that close.
"What now?" I asked.
"It's time to fly."
Thunderhead, the albino, broke into a trot at Leo's aids. The movement was smoother than Cara's jogging step. Then, I felt Leo shift her weight, and draw her right leg back. At once, the stallion responded with a powerful, rocking canter.
It was incredible. The stallion's hooves cut through the sand, sending up golden clouds. As I relaxed, I found that my body was following the movement naturally. I was united with that mighty animal, just as Leo was.
"Hold out your arms," Leo said. "Go on!"
I let the reins drop onto the equine athlete's shoulders, and stretched out my arms wide, like wings. I gasped. I really was flying!
"Oh my God!" I gushed. "Leo!"
"How does it feel?"
I closed my eyes.
"Like heaven."

******************************************************

"Ryan was great today, wasn't he?" Alison Sanderson said admiringly, "I can't believe how much he seems to have grown within himself!"
Jay nodded, drying the dish he'd picked up from the draining board.
"Leo's really helped him," the tall blond said thoughtfully.
Alison smiled as she scrubbed a dirty saucepan.
"He really likes her, doesn't he?"
"Yeah, they've come to be really good friends," Jay replied innocently.
His mother laughed and flicked some of the frothy, white soapsuds at her eldest child playfully.
"Jason!" she said. "I mean he really likes her."
The penny dropped.
"Oh!" said Jay, understanding. "Yeah. I guess he does. I mean, who wouldn't? She's a pretty girl."
Alison nodded sadly.
"Just like her mother."
Jay looked up from the dishes. He opened his mouth to ask her to explain what she'd just said, but was interrupted.
"Have you seen my jacket, Mum?" asked Rinna, appearing in the kitchen.
"Going out, honey?" Alison questioned her daughter.
Rinna nodded.
"Made new friends then," said Jay. "I told you, you would."
"Only a few of the girl in my class," Rinna replied. "I didn't get the chance to get to know everyone I wanted to though," she added, turning to her older brother. "Who was that guy at the stables today?"
Jay looked at his sister.
"Which one?"
"The cute one."
Jay laughed out loud at his sister.
"And which one would that be?" he asked. "Or were you looking for my opinion on which guy is cute? Believe me Rinna, I'm not that way inclined!"
"Dark hair, glasses, looks a bit like that girl, Leo," Rinna told him.
"Ah," Jay answered. "That would be her cousin, Mega. I take it you're interested?"
"Maybe," she replied casually, tossing her dark, gold highlighted hair. "Now where is my jacket?"
"It's hanging on the banister at the bottom of the stairs," Alison informed her daughter. "Back by ten, love," she added.
"Sure, Mum," Rinna agreed, kissing Alison goodbye on the cheek. "See you later."
Alison smiled fondly as her eldest daughter left.
"Kids," she sighed.
"We're not that bad, are we?" Jay asked his mother, wide-eyed.
"No, of course you're n....." Alison broke off as she coughed roughly.
Jay looked concerned.
"Are you ok?"
Alison nodded insistently.
"I'm fine, honestly. It's just a...." She coughed again, louder and chestier than before, then sneezed. "It's just a bit of a cold, that's all."
"In summer?"
"There are no rules against it, Jason," Alison replied firmly, then softened. "I'm fine. Really."
Jay put his arm around his mother's shoulders.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "Of course you are."

****************************************************

"Giddy up, giddy up, horsey!" squealed Sorrel, bouncing up and down on my bed.
"Hey, that's enough!" I chuckled.
She'd been excitedly re-enacting my ride on Thunderhead for the last twenty minutes. I loved to see her happy.
"Can I be a cowboy too?" she asked, sitting down on the bed. "Please?"
I winked at her.
"We'll see," I said. "If you're a good girl."
This delighted her.
"Have we finished making a racket in here?" asked a dry voice.
I turned my chair around. I was now fairly used to it, my arms ached less and less.
"David," I said, seeing him in the doorway. "What do you want?"
"Sorrel, Mum wants you to go and wash your hands before dinner," my brother said. "Go on."
Baby jumped down off my bed. She grinned toothily as she passed me.
"Giddy up!" she yelled, and with that, she rode her imaginary horse out of the door and off to the bathroom. I laughed.
"She's easily impressed," David remarked.
"Meaning?"
My brother leant casually against the doorframe, his green eyes looking at me coldly. Brotherly love it wasn't.
"Meaning, that stunt you pulled on that girl's horse, it wasn't anything to crow about."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"And what would you know?" I spat at him. "When was the last time you rode a horse?"
David folded his arms, and stood up tall.
"You didn't ride that horse, Ryan. You just sat there, while Leo told it what to do, and it did all the running," he said. "You were just tagging along for the ride. Any idiot could see that!"
It made my blood boil to here him beating down my achievements, just like he always did. He's always better than me, always the better son. I glared at him.
"Well I didn't fall off, did I? If I was as useless as you seem to think, surely I would have been on my @ss in the sand the moment the horse got going?"
David moved into the room, his tall, muscular physique all the more apparent from my chair.
"Yeah, like she would have let you fall off!" he mocked. "She'd have stopped the horse if she thought you were going to. It's more than her job's worth to let cripples fall of horses and bash themselves up even worse than before."
David cruel words were like a red rag being waved in front of my eyes. How dare he?
"You have no idea, David!" I yelled. "You don't know her. Not like I do."
He was laughing now, right in my face. I couldn't believe it.
"You fool," he said, shaking his head. "You don't know her at all! She's got a job to do. You are a customer, someone who pays her wages. Sure, you think she cares, but you're wrong. All those people care about is getting their job done so they get paid. End of story."
I was breathing hard, my hands clenched tightly. I wished I could stand up and hit him. How dare he talk about Leo, my Leo, like that? Who did he think he was?
"You're wrong," I said, trying to compose myself. "I don't care what you think, Leo's not like that."
David rolled his green eyes.
"Whatever you say, Ryan," he said. "But I still think you're deluded. You think this Leo girl's actually interested in you? Come on! You are a fifteen year old guy, with very, very average looks, in a wheelchair, and you really believe that some gorgeous girl is going to give a damn about you? You're even more of an idiot than I thought."
"Just get out!" I shouted, turning my back on him. He didn't move. "You heard me, GET OUT!"
"What on earth is going on in here?" I heard Mum come in. "David, Ryan, stop this at once."
"It's ok, Mum," David said quietly. "I've said what I had to, I'll be downstairs setting the table for dinner."
Mum came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her.
"I hate him, Mum," I hissed. "I really hate him."
She squeeze my shoulder, stroking my tousled brown hair.
"I know you two don't see eye-to-eye," she said gently. "But please, for my sake, don't turn this house into a war-zone."
"Ok, Mum," I sighed reluctantly.
"Thank you," she said tenderly. "Now let's go downstairs and have dinner. I've made your favourite, las...." the end of the sentence was obliterated by a heavy, rasping cough that rattled through her chest.
"Are you alright, Mum?" I asked. "You don't sound so good."
"It's nothing, dear," she said briskly. "Just a touch of th...." she coughed again, for longer this time, the hacking more violent than before.
I touched her forehead, she was burning up.
"Mum," I said. "You're boiling."
"It's probably just a touch of flu, sweetheart," Mum brushed off my concern. "It's been doing the rounds at work. Now, let's go downstairs before the lasagne gets cold."

I hate David. With a passion. How can he say those things about me, about Leo? I can't even stomach it to call him my brother, Jay and Ved, and Reshef too, they're more my brother's than he'll ever be. He's just like Dad. Whatever I do, however much I try, I'm never good enough. And I never will be.
But, what if, what if he's right? What if I am just fooling myself? No, that can't be right. Can it? Leo cares, I'm sure she does, she has to. I'm not just a paying customer to her, after all, if that's all I was to her, she wouldn't hang around with me at school, would she?
You see what he's done? He's planted all these doubts in my head, and I can't get rid of them. He's poison. He's a stuck up, jealous, vindictive brat. And I hate him. Leo saved me, from myself.

'I was dying;
Dying to be alive;
Though, on the outside, I was smiling, I was struggling to survive.
Now I'm living;
Living because of you;
You gave me strength, right from the start;
That ray of hope that got me though.'

Mum's got me worried. After dinner, I was in the kitchen when she was washing up. She seemed to look older, more drawn and weary. I tried to tell myself I was imagining things, but I couldn't, it was there right in front of my eyes. Everything is telling me that something is wrong, drastically wrong with Mum. It's not just the flu that she's got, it's something much more serious. I must keep an eye on her. I need her, now, more than ever. She's been taking care of me, so I have to return the favour. If she gets any worse, I'll take her to the doctor myself, even if I have to drag her all the way there. Something's seriously wrong. I can feel it, I just don't know what it is. Not yet, anyway.

Chapter 9: The Light That Sets You Free

I don't know how much longer we can go on like this. The whole world seems to be caving in on us and we are powerless to stop it.
Mum is ill. Extremely ill. She's gone downhill so fast it's frightening. This is no flu. She's in bed, burning up a fever, slipping in and out of consciousness. And she looks so old. Her hair is greying day by day, and her skin appears more and more drawn and haggard, like she's aging before our eyes. And the worst thing, is that nobody seems to know what to do.
In the city, in the countryside, all across the world, adults are getting sick, dying even. The hospitals are full to bursting point, but there are less and less doctors to treat people, they're getting sick too. Every day on the news broadcast we are told not to panic, to remain calm, and assured that every effort is being made. But how can you not be scared if you're watching your own mother fade away, and you can do nothing to help her?
Dad has it, this virus, or whatever it is, too. We had a phone call from the army base yesterday. If I'm honest, I can say that I'm not worried for him, as I am for Mum, however heartless that sounds. He's never loved me, nor cared about me, so why should I care about what happens to him?
So now I'm sitting here, beside my mother's sickbed, holding her hand. Sorrel is asleep on the bed next to her. All we can do is pray, even though I've never prayed before now. Hope, is all we have left.

'Cool breeze and autumn leaves;
Slow motion daylight;
A lone pair of watchful eyes;
Oversee the living.'

I looked up at the clock. 9pm. David had just lifted the sleeping Sorrel from Mum's side and tucked her into bed, in her own little bedroom. I rubbed my tired eyes wearily. I'd never known a day to pass so slowly.
I heard the phone ring, its bell cutting through the uneasy silence that had settled upon the house like a heavy cloud. David must have picked up, as three rings later, the noise stopped. Mum stirred a little in her fever-induced sleep.
David peered around the doorway.
"It's for you," he said wearily. "I think it's Leo."
I pushed the chair across to Mum's neat little dressing table and picked up the extension. I hadn't spoken to Leo in a week. I'd been at home, not going to school, or to the stables, to stay and look after Mum.
"Hello?" I said, looking forward to hearing her comforting voice. But that wasn't what I got at all. A small, frightened girl answered.
"Ryan? Thank God."
"Leo?" I asked quickly. "What's wrong?"
"Everything!" she wailed. I could tell she was crying.
"Tell me," I insisted.
"They're all gone!"
"Who?"
"Everybody," she wept uncontrollable, struggling to gulp down breaths. "Dad...he's....he's dead."
"Oh God, Leo."
"And...my aunt and uncle too....Mega's parents.."
I longed to reach out to the devastated young girl at the other end of the phone. To hold her, comfort her.
"Where's Mega?" I asked.
"I don't know," Leo replied, sniffing back the tears. "He took off...about three hours ago. Ryan, I can't cope here!"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother's eyes flutter open and focus feebly on me.
"Leo calm down," I hushed, trying to soothe my distraught friend. "What can't you cope with?"
When she replied, her voice was bitter and mournful, and who could have blamed her. Leo's whole world was turning to dust.
"I am here, on my own," she said slowly, her voice choked. "With fifty horses to take care of, and three dead bodies."
"Oh, Leo," I murmured.
"Is that little Leonora on the phone, sweetheart?" croaked a shaky voice.
Mum. I turned to her, nodding.
"What's wrong?" she asked, reading the expression on my face.
I debated for a moment, whether to tell her the truth, or lie. But I knew, I couldn't keep it from her. Not this.
"Leo's dad died, Mum," I said quietly. Saying it out loud didn't make it seem any more real. "And Mega's parents."
"Oh the poor child!" Mum whispered. "How is she?"
"Not good. Mega's disappeared. She's all alone."
My mother looked me straight in the eye, lifting her head. Her voice was firm, resolute.
"Go to her."
"What?"
"Go to her, Ryan," she repeated solemnly. "She needs you."
"But so do you, Mum," I protested. "Look at you!"
"Ryan, I'm not going anywhere," my mother said, her grey eyes resolved. "That girl has helped you so much. And now, she needs you, you have to be there for her."
I sighed, and nodded, reluctant to leave her.
"Leo," I said into the receiver. "Leo, I'll be over as soon as possible. Hold on."
"Thank you," she gulped gratefully. "Thank you, so much."
I hung up and wheeled the chair back to the bed.
"I'll be back soon," I promised.
"Take as long as you need to, honey," she said, reaching out a frail hand to stroke my hair. "I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back."
David reappeared in the doorway.
"I'm just...." I began.
"I heard," David cut in. "I'll help you down the stairs."
I managed a weak smile.
"Goodbye, Mum," I said warmly.
"Goodbye, Ryan."
I pushed myself towards the door, then paused to take a final look at her.
"Go on," she whispered, managing a brief wave. "I love you, Ryan."
I felt a lump rise in my throat.
"I love you too, Mum."

*******************************************************

'Feel the presence all around;
A tortured soul;
A wound unhealing;
No regrets or promises;
The past is gone....'

It was almost ten o'clock by the time I got to the stables, sweating hard from the effort of pushing. I rolled up the sleeves of my long-sleeved blue t-shirt. There were no lights on at the house, Leo must be with the horses.
I let myself through the wooden gate. The little lamps above each stable door were on, but I couldn't see her.
"Leo?" I called out uncertainly. "Leo, where are you?"
I listened intently in the eerie silence for an answer.
"In here!" I heard her pained, anxious call.
She was in one of the stables, one of the nearest to me. Hurridly, I pushed myself to the door and drew the bolt across.
"Ryan?" Leo said. "Is that you?"
I pulled the stable door open, and saw her.
Her hazel eyes were red and swollen from crying, her usually golden cheeks, pale. Her hair was escaping messily from its braid. She looked totally destroyed.
"Leo," I murmured, upset to see her so broken. "It's going to be ok."
She raised her tear-filled eyes to mine.
"Then tell her that," she said, indicating down beside her in the straw.
I followed her eyes. Laying on its side in the thick straw bed was a beautiful, black mare, sweating and shivering, her stomach incredibly bloated.
"What's wrong with her?" I asked. "Is she sick?"
I pushed myself further into the stable, feeling the straw wrap around the wheels. Leo shook her head. I raised an eyebrow, confused.
"Well what then?"
Leo sighed, running her fingers over the mare's delicate dished face.
"She's pregnant, Ryan," she said woefully. "She went into labour hours ago, but there's no sign of the foal."
"Then call the vet!"
"There are no vets, Ryan," she cried bitterly. "They're all sick. I've tried every last one."
I closed my eyes. The Arabian mare whinnied nervously.
"Can you help her?" I asked.
Leo looked at the straining horse.
"I..I don't know," she stuttered. "Maybe, maybe one of the foal's legs is bent back, and that's why she can't push it out. I guess, I could try and straighten it out."
"You think you can do it?"
The mare snorted, and nuzzled at Leo's hand. She looked me in the eye.
"I have to try," she said, resigned. "I owe it to her to try. It's either, get this baby out, or..." she paused.
"Or?"
"Or I have to shoot her."

'But you can still be free....
If time will set you free......'

A few minutes later, the mare was still pushing, with no sign of a foal emerging. Leo took off her jumper, leaving her arms bare in a black vest top. She rinsed her right arm clean in the horse's water bucket
"Can you stay by her head please, Ryan?" Leo said, her eyes pleading. "Talk to her, keep her calm?"
I manoeuvred the chair towards the horse, which squealed and rolled its eyes.
"I think we might need to loose the chair," Leo said, with but the merest hint of her usual wit.
I edged the chair back, then somehow slipped down onto the straw and clawed my way up to the horse's pretty face.
"What's her name?" I asked.
"Bint Helwa," Leo replied, using her jumper to wrap the mare's long tail in, to keep it out of the way.
I laughed.
"I think you might have to write that one down for me," I said lightheartedly.
"It's Arabic," she explained. "It means 'Beautiful Girl.' But Binti is what we usually call her."
She certainly was a beautiful girl. Leo took a deep breath.
"Ok," she said decisively. "Let's do this."
The exhausted mare laid her dainty head on my lap, her nostrils flared. Gently, Leo reached inside her, groping for the unborn foal. Suddenly, her eyes flickered.
"You got something?"
"Yeah," Leo said, concentrating hard. "I was right, the left legs bent. If I can just..."
Gently, she pulled the tiny, unborn creatures spindly limb into the correct position, then withdrew her hand.
"Now you gotta push, Binti," Leo said to the mare. "Come on, girl."
The mare seemed to sense the urgency, and renewed the effort of straining. Her efforts were quickly rewarded, as the foals feet, began to emerge from her.
"Wow!" I said in awe.
We watched as first the legs, then the foal's nose appeared. With a great effort, the mare passed the baby's shoulders. From then on, it was easy, and the foal slid free, on to the straw. The sac surrounding the newborn broke open. Leo's face dropped.
"It's not breathing," she said.
"Oh no," I murmured. All that effort, and the tiny thing was dead.
But Leo wasn't about to give up that easily. She slipped her fingers into the limp creatures mouth, clearing the mucus from its airway. Still nothing. Grabbing a handful of straw, Leo laid the baby on it's side, and rubbed it's chest hard, desparately trying to revive it.
"Come on, little one!" Leo urged. "We're not done yet."
I looked at the mare, then noticed. She was still straining.
"Leo," I said. "She's still pushing."
"It'll just be the afterbirth," she replied briskly, still rubbing the foal.
I continued to watch Binti, then saw something, something familiar.
"Leo!" I said urgently. "Look!"
"Ryan, I'm trying to save this thing..."
"Just look!"
Leo turned her head, and her eyes widened at what she saw. Another pair of tiny feet.
"Oh God!" Leo gasped. She turned to me. "Ryan, keep rubbing this one, I've gotta help Binti."
I grabbed up some straw and began to do as Leo had done. But it seemed hopeless. Leo was behind Binti, watching open-mouthed, as the second pair of forlegs appeared, then another tiny face. The second foal flopped onto the straw, and the sac ruptured. The foal gasped, and squeaked feebly. It was alive.
I looked at the lifeless thing in front of me. There seemed to be no hope. But suddenly, I felt it's chest convulse, and it coughed, squeaking as it's sibling had done.
Leo was watching, exhausted and stunned.
"You didn't tell me she was expecting twins," I said.
"I didn't know."
The first baby sneezed and bleated. The mare turned her head to it. Leo picked it up and placed it in front of Binti, who began to lick the tiny creature. Leo did the same with the second foal.
"Do you know what the odds are of these two being born alive?" Leo asked me.
I shook my head.
"About 1 in a million," she replied. "You're looking at a real-life miracle."
She moved next to me, leaning back against the wall.
"They need names," I said.
Leo nodded.
"I already had a boy name picked out," she told me. "The second one, the little grey. That's a colt."
"So what's his name?" I asked.
"Shaheen," she replied. "Arabic for 'White Falcon.'
"And the other one?"
Leo looked at me.
"A little girl," she said softly. "And since you help bring her into this world, you should name her."
I thought for a moment, then I had it.
"Their birth was a miracle," I said. "And in the kind of world we're descending into, their survival shows there's still hope, for them, and for us."
"So, her name is?"
"Hope."
Leo beamed at me, then laid her head on my shoulder.
"It's perfect."

'Time now to spread your wings;
To take to flight;
The life endeavour;
Aim for the burning sun;
You're trapped inside.....'

I arrive home at half past eleven, hot, sweaty and exhausted. I just wanted to collapse into bed, and sleep for a week. But, the minute I entered the house, my thoughts went straight to my mother. The downstairs of the house was dark and quiet. David must be upstairs with Mum.
"David," I called, trying not to be too loud and wake Sorrel.
For a moment I heard nothing, then the sound of footsteps descending the staircase. It was David. But from the moment I looked into his eyes, I knew something was wrong, really wrong.
"What is it?" I asked, bracing myself.
David blinked, the tears still fresh in his green eyes.
"We had a call from the army base about an hour ago," he began.
I knew what was coming.
"Dad's dead."
I wanted to show some emotion, but I couldn't cry. Not for him. Not for the man who'd hated me all my life.
"How did Mum take it?" I asked. "You have told her, haven't you?"
My older brother sighed deeply, new tears beginning to stream down his face.
"David?" I asked, my voice quavering, a sharp rise of dread filling my stomach. "David?"
Wordlessly, David came over to me, and lifted me up, carrying me upstairs, the way he'd carried me down a few hours earlier. He took me into Mum's bedroom, and sat me on the edge of the bed. And then I knew.
Her eyes were lightly closed, as if in a peaceful sleep, but there was no sign of the familiar rise and fall of her chest, nor the soft whistle of her breath. A small, pale smile was frozen upon her lips, her hair draped softly around her delicate face. I felt my heart die inside me. I knew. She was gone.

'But you can still be free...
If time will set you free...
But it's a long, long way to go

Keep moving way up high;
You see the light;
It shines forever;
Sail through the crimson skies;
The purest light;
The light that sets you free.....'

Chapter 10: Fan the Heat From the Flame

'Lying in my bed, I hear;
The clock tick and think of you;
Caught up in circles;
Confusion is nothing new...'

I'm numb. That's the only way I can describe how I feel. Mum's dead. Gone forever. And yet, I still can't quite let it into my head. It doesn't seem real.
Every minute of the day, I expect her to just walk right back in the house, calling for us to help her in the kitchen or tidy up the mess we've made in the living room. But she doesn't. Not anymore. And all I want to do is scream at the top of my voice for someone, anyone, to give her back. Parents aren't supposed to die before their children grow up. They're supposed to be there, to see you get married, to know their grandchildren.
I only let myself cry the once, when David and I went into Sorrel's little room as she awoke and told her what had happened, that Mummy and Daddy had gone to be with the angels. As long as I live, I'll never forget the total heartbreak in my sister's once carefree eyes. We all wept together, in each others' arms, our broken family briefly united by our grief.
Our future is far from certain. Already, our neighbourhood is becoming a ghost town. No one really knows what's happening, except for the obvious: something, is killing the adults. But where will it end?

I'd been sitting at the dinner table, alone, playing half-heartedly with my cornflakes, which had long since turned soggy and inedible. I just didn't have the heart, nor the energy to eat.
The doorbell rang. Some twinkly little tune Mum had picked, despite the fact she knew it drove my father up the wall. David had taken Sorrel to the park, so it meant I had to answer. I stretched up from my chair to unhook the chain and undo the catch. I pulled the door towards me, and saw, standing on the doorstep, Leo.
"Hey," she said softly, hands in her jeans pockets. "How are things?"
The sight of her standing there seemed to shake me roughly from my numb, trance-like state. From then on, I only felt one emotion - anger.
"Like hell," I said, my voice low.
I saw her face twitch, confused.
"What?"
"You heard!" I snarled. "You've got some nerve showing your face here."
"Ryan," Leo said quickly. "I...I don't understand...."
"Because of you," I cut in harshly, feeling the hot rage burning up inside me. "I wasn't here to be with my own mother when she died!"
The shock of what I had said, registered on her face, tears coming to her eyes.
"Ryan. I'm so sorry...I didn't..."
"Don't talk to me!" I roared. "If I hadn't gone to see you and that fucking black nag, I'd have been here with her. The one who really needed me."
Leo's glistening, damp eyes closed, and she placed a hand across her chest, over her heart, breathing deeply, as if she was in pain. I couldn't bear to look at her
"Go," I told her, my face set in stone, resolved. "I don't want to see you again. Ever."
The last word sounded the hardest of all as it icily left my lips. It was all her fault. I half expected her to protest, to tell me she wasn't to blame. But she didn't. Wordlessly, she turned on her heel and shakily stepped down onto the path. She just walked away, and I slammed the door. She was gone too.

Flashback to warm nights;
Almost left behind;
Suitcases of memories;
Time after....'

Tiffani Bennett walked steadily and purposefully. She knew exactly where she was going. It was just beginning to get dark, the sun setting the horizon aflame.
The girl tossed her head defiantly, her black hair, with its silver streaks catching the last dying rays of sunlight. She'd show him, and that god damned gypsy bitch. Tiffani's green eyes gleamed as she thought of how she was going to get her revenge. How dare he dump her? Who did he think he was? Right now, a nobody, that was for sure. He might be cute and extremely intelligent, Tiffani mused, but in a wheelchair, he's nothing.
In her head it all made sense. That whore of a deSilva girl had gotten her filthy claws into Tiffani's man, bewitched him, taken him away from her. Now, she was going to reclaim him.
The plan was simple, but maybe, if it hadn't been for the 'virus' that was going around, Tiffani might have had second thoughts about taking such drastic measures. But with practically no police force, no fire brigade, nor ambulance workers, all falling victim to the deadly illness, this was going to be easy.
Dressed for the night, in her favourite colours, Tiffani's silver-glossed lips pursed into a malevolent smile. Swaggering down the darkened street, the silver sheen of her black blouse glittered dully. Her boots, knee high, adorned with silver flames, clonked loudly on the pavement, her legs revealed in her wrap-around skirt, also black, trimmed with a band of silver.
At the signpost, Tiffani turned right and stopped. She reached back a hand to touch her bag. She felt the large petrol can inside. Placing her other hand into the front pocket of her blouse, Tiffani found her fingers closing around the cold, metal casing of the lighter. The sign of the place she was stood before was dimly lit up, and readable in the quickly gathering darkness: True Colours Equestrian Centre.

'Sometimes, you picture me;
I'm walking to far ahead;
You're calling to me, I can't hear;
What, you've said;
Then you say, go slow, I fall behind;
The second hand unwinds..."

"How's Leo?"

That question struck a nerve buried deep inside me. Of course, Jay wasn't to know what I'd done. How I'd blamed everything on one of my dearest, most loyal friends, and told her I never wanted to see her again.

"How should I know?" I mumbled back.
Reshef cocked his head to one side.
"What happened?" he asked, his voice smooth and purposeful, as if, somehow, he already knew.
I looked into my friend's unseeing eyes.
"I told her the truth," I replied curtly. "That if it wasn't for her, I'd have been at my mother's side as she left us."
Jay's hazel eyes flickered with surprise at this. Reshef's face betrayed nothing of his feelings, nor did his voice when he spoke.
"If you had been with you mother," he said slowly. "What would you have done? What would you have said to her?"

I narrowed my eyes a little to Reshef's enquiry. I've learnt by now that it doesn't do to dwell on 'what ifs.' What's done is done. I didn't see how his question was supposed to help anyone.

"I would have told her that I love her, and I would have said goodbye," I answered.
Reshef nodded.
"And may I ask," he continued gently. "What you said to her before you left to help Leo that night?"
As we sat out in the hazy sunshine, I cast my mind back....

"Goodbye, Mum," I said warmly.
"Goodbye, Ryan."
I pushed myself towards the door, then paused to take a final look at her.
"Go on," she whispered, managing a brief wave. "I love you, Ryan."
I felt a lump rise in my throat.
"I love you too, Mum."

"I said......"

And then I realised. I knew, painfully, that I was wrong. I'd punished one of the most beautiful, loyal people in my life for something she hadn't done. Regret filled my heart. Could I turn back the clock and undo my cruel words?"

Jay and Reshef looked on as the realisation swept over me.
"You see," Reshef said, with wisdom beyond his years. "You said all you need to, to you mother, before you left her. She knew you loved her."
Jay reached out and put his hand on my shoulder, comforting.
"We all need someone to blame when things go wrong," the tall blonde said solemnly. "You found Leo. Myself, I can't find anyone to blame for my own parents' passing."
I looked up at him, shocked.
"Your parents?" I said in dismay, remembering Alison's unbridled kindness. "When?"
"This morning," Jay replied, his eyes misty. "In each others' arms."
"There are few adults left now," Reshef told us. "Soon, we're going to be on our own."
But not entirely alone," I said grimly. "Friends must stick together."
"Amen to that, Ryan," Reshef said.
"And now I had a friend who is owed an apology. A big one, if she'll accept it, without further delay."
Jay and Reshef got to their feet, whilst I pulled on my gloves.
"Come on you two!" Jay called up the garden.
Ved and Megan looked up from their game of cards on the lawn.
"Where are you lot off to in such a hurry?" Jay's younger sibling asked.
"On a mission," Jay replied with a small smile. "There's something Ryan has to do."
Ved looked back to Megan.
"Wanna go along for the ride?" he said. "It'll spare you a severe thrashing!"
Megan nodded.
"Come on then," he said, getting up.
"Just one thing, Ved," the girl replied coolly.
"Yeah?"
She laid the seven cards in her hand down on the grass.
"I think you'll find that's Rummy."

'If you're lost, you can look, and you will find me;
Time after time;
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting;
Time after time.'

"Thank God, you're back!" gasped Leonora deSilva, flinging her arms wildly about her cousin's neck.
Mega held her close, running his fingers through the silky curtain of her raven ponytail. Tears danced in their eyes, his mahogany brown, and her fiery hazel. He rued his actions greatly. He regretted leaving her at the very time they had needed each other the most. For a few precious moments, neither spoke, but each clung desperately to the other, for fear of being swept away.
The boy drew back, stroking the girl's golden cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Leo," he said softly.
"It's ok," she whispered back. "You're here now. That's all that matters."
"I'm not ever going to leave you like that again," he promise solemnly. "Never."
"You better not!" she retorted. "You just try it and your @ss won't know what's hit it, Moggy!"
Her cousin laughed.
"Less of the Moggy, would you?"
She stuck her tongue out at him. Moggy had been her pet name for him since they were toddlers, her childhood version of his real name, Morgan.
"If you're going to be like that," Mega said haughtily. "I may have to start calling you by your other name. Rosie!"
Leo screwed up her face in disgust.
"Ok, ok," she relented, planting a kiss on his cheek. They'd always been close, since they'd grown up together. "We're even now. Just...."
Her voice trailed off as she glanced out of the window. Mega looked puzzled for a moment, then looked behind him, and was filled with the same horror as Leo at what he saw.
Fire.
"The barn!" Leo yelled.
"God, no!"
She grabbed his hand.
"Come on, we gotta get the horses out!"
The two ran out of the house, too scared and panicked to notice the female figure that lurked in the shadows. Tiffani smiled, watching the flames rise.
"That's what you get for stealing my man."
The fire took hold quickly, but then, how could it not, since it had been started where it would have most fuel. The barn was filled with bale upon bale of hay and str